I've tried to write several times over the past week but I'm just too full of emotion.
It feels like if I open even one tiny bit of my heart (which writing requires), the dam would surely break. And the full tide of emotion would come spilling over the sides; flooding everything around me.
(Hmmm. Just reread that and it sounds a bit dramatic. Smile. Sorry.......but it's also pretty accurate.)
So much has transpired this summer. The weddings of Meagan and Amanda. Regular summer events. Praying with precious church families in difficulty. Planning fall and the 2012 calendar. Then finally, coping with the loss of Amanda both professionally and as a part of our daily lives. So much.
I think I probably anticipated this last spring and took a pro-active approach. I stitched things up tightly sometime in June and have held to the ends of those threads with something akin to a death grip! Smile.
Frank is slowly prying open my "spasm-ed" little fingers while speaking in soothing tones in an attempt to keep my heart calm. (More dramatic word-picture writing. Now you know why it has taken so long! Smile.)
But in the middle of it all, I came across a great statement that alleviates guilt: "I'll do the best I can with what I have for the Lord today!"
My brain may be frazzled. My emotions unbalanced. My heart aching. My foot hurting - oh wait, you didn't need a report on the corn I've developed, did you?! Smile.
The point?
All He asks is that I do the best I can with what I have available at this moment.
That, dear readers, merits a large "Sigh" of relief! And a smile.
So, no big object lesson today. And no funny story. Just a peek into the real heart of an honest, middle-aged woman. (Thought I'd take the opportunity to write "middle-aged" while I still can!)
Hope the rest of your week is blessed.
Oh, Sheri, I very much identify with all of this in my own situation. I keep coming back to the old hymn, It Is Well With My Soul. No matter the heartache and challenges, it is safe to fall apart in my Lord's arms and let His peace in. In spite of emotions that roll (or "sorrows like sea billows roll"), He holds me and reassures me and though the pain, sorrow, loss and questions are present, it is bearable and somehow He will bring it all together in a new journey. I, like you, have to do the best I can with with what I've got and how He wired me :) How precious and comforting to lay against my Father's chest, hear His heartbeat and know all will be well...some how, some way. I have plenty of tissues - shall I send some? :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Guerrina in CT
You are such a dear person to me and I'm sorry you've had such a challenging chapter of life. I'm with Guerrina--I can dispense Kleenex, understanding, and hugs.
ReplyDeleteLove you, friend.
I have found that challenges often reap great rewards, and I am confident there are many to be discovered for you. Life, real living, involves change, and it is how we deal with those changes that define our journey. I think you're doing great. You always seem open and honest when you blog, so today's update is not a surprise to anyone except perhaps you. We always see your heart. You couldn't hide it if you tried.
ReplyDeleteAs for writing, I think it was Dorothy Parker (I could be wrong as I am known to make things up) who defined writing as taking a piece of paper and opening a vein over it. Pretty accurate if you ask me.
Also, I do have a question. Why do you always write "Smile" when you make a humorous comment or reference? Do you not know that your writing is sharp enough to make that point for you? You should re-read your stuff. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
And chocolate...(all lifestyle "diets" must contain chocolate or what good are they?) I will share...I even volunteer Becky to share chocolate!
ReplyDeleteSheri, how well I understand. Thank you for being so real.
ReplyDeleteI have to be honest with you, this is one reason why I absolutely adore my 1 and 1/2 year old dog Max. Many days I have thanked God that he will never be getting married and moving, experiencing a job transfer or telling me his "season" is over. He wakes me up in the mornings and welcomes me home from the office everyday. He's consistent, like clock-work, nothing changes - I can count on it. In the world of ministry where everything changes on a dime, sometimes just that simple consistency means so much. Max is our second dog that my husband absolutely insisted upon (sound familiar? Smile...) and he has proven to be the greatest gift ever. While Maddie is wonderful, she stays to herself a lot, at the window or laying the in the sun. Not Max -- he's my constant companion.
Praying for you as you go through this shift. I experienced it with a staffer once where I didn't "open my heart" for an entire year, for surely I thought the dam would break and I might not "get it back together" I was so broken.
How well I understand my sister, and I am praying for you.
Love you
Thank you Sherri...
ReplyDelete